Written by This summer includes two milestones that have drawn me to reflect in this month’s blog on the role of parents in our schools.
The first is a personal one. My younger son leaves school this term. With Year 13 rapidly drawing to a halt for him and his counterparts, and A-Level examinations in full swing, I’m at the end of a very long journey of two children’s worth of parents’ evenings, school reports, and – further back along the road – drop off and pick up at the school gate or at wraparound. A journey that once included packing school bags and PE kits, and signing trip consent forms, but now involves making bottomless cups of tea, browsing university accommodation guides and testing knowledge of Tudor monarchs via a myriad of coloured cue cards. And then… that’s it. If he gets his university place, I’ll still be a parent of course. However, the formal role I’ll play seems to be relegated to one of guarantor for his student loan. And that’s it.
The second milestone is a professional one. In September, we open the doors to Branston Locks Primary – our second new primary free school. Here, parents will be at the very start of their journey with their children at school. For many, it will be for the first time that they wave goodbye to their sons and daughters each morning. For them, the packing of school bags and PE kits, the signing of dozens of the trip consent forms, and attending parents’ evenings is only just beginning.
As they start their journey as parents of school children, and as I finish mine, I know we endeavour to do the best job we can. There is no definitive and universally-recognised “Guide to Good Parenting”, no Haynes Manual where we can lift the bonnet and consult a diagram for a solution to a “fault”. There’s no warrantee, guarantee or exchange policy. There’s no British Standard “kite mark” of quality assurance. With our children, we get who we’re given, and our children get who they’re given too. We know that this is sometimes all too apparent. As my late father-in-law said many years ago in his Black Country drawl “you need to apply for a licence to have a dog, but anyone can have children.”
So, in the absence of a “Guide to Good Parenting”, what would I suggest as the top ten tips to parenting children of school age based on my personal experience and professional work with tens of thousands of parents over three decades in over twenty schools?
- We are coaches and motivators, not ventriloquists and puppeteers. Our children have agency for their words and actions and must take responsibility. Our responsibility is to help them make the right decisions about what they say and do.
- All children – including our own – are imperfect. Remember that when you think about judging the actions of children – your own and those of other parents.
- To ask questions of your child’s school is fine, but to form negative conclusions without asking questions first is not. Our opinions always need to be informed ones.
- School staff are not telepathic. If you don’t tell them how you feel, they can’t work with you. How you do so is an act of role modelling – good or bad – for your child.
- Feedback via social media is not feeding back, it’s telling the world. That’s almost never a good idea for your child, their school or you.
- You’re not there to drive the snow plough. There will be obstacles your children face in school and in the world. Make them strong enough to overcome them rather than trying to clear them from your child’s path. You simply won’t always be able to, and they should feel the euphoria of accomplishment when they succeed.
- You’ll make mistakes. So will your child. So will their school. Listen to each other, learn from each other, work for each other.
- Schools are more like factories than custom workshops. Expect them to consider the needs of the many first, whether that is aligned to your child’s specific individual needs or not.
- Read the menu before you reserve a table. If you don’t like what a school is offering – uniform, behaviour approaches, its curriculum, its values – find somewhere else. It’s better for everyone – especially your child.
And finally…
Celebrate all your child’s amazing achievements and their fantastic experiences as they become the very best version of themselves. Because before you know it, you’ll be serving them bottomless cups of tea and testing them on Tudor monarchs via a myriad of coloured cue cards.
Thanks for reading.
Mike.
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